Global Pandemic Special!

And here is me thinking that a plain old bout of the flu was a bit of a pain. As if a horrid, genetically mutated strand of Avian Flu wasn't enough, it now seems as though a pig sniffle is threatening the human race's very existence. Cases have been reported in locations as far reaching as New Zealand to Spain, and Governments worldwide are breaking the glass on their emergency stockpiles of blue face masks and re-scaling their 'pandemic warning systems' to accuratley incorporate new levels of panic.

Should we be worried? Probably. However, the attention that the Swine Flu outbreak has garnered in recent days has lead me to contemplate the fragility of the human condition when under siege from such relentless external forces. Unbenkown to many, our human condition is slowly being eroded by myriad pandemics, some even more serious than Swine Flu, or Influenza A H1N1. Pay close attention, this post may just save your life...




Shutter Shades, or the Sx2 Virus is believed to have infiltrated the human race sometime between mid to late 2007. It's origins are hazy, although it is rumoured to have originated in Chicago, where prominent physician Dr. K. West spliced his zany mutated Fashion gene with the elusive Electro Gene that can only be found deep in the jungles of France. The result was horrifying. Scores of young people fell victim to the plague and became ostracized by their friends and family. Dancefloors from Melbourne to Marrakech became scenes of mayhem, with collision after collision resulting in serious injury, and in some cases, death. Thankfully, the disease spread so far and wide that many Alts became immune to infection, and cases today seem to be more sporadic than the norm. The World Electro-Health Authority (WEHA) reccomends that one still takes precautions when in the vicinity of flea-markets or music festivals.

Symptoms: Inconsistent Vision, Constant Bumping into Things/People, Loss of Friends, Unexplained Urge to Buy Venetian Blinds.




Nouveau Disco, or FL#36 is becoming an increasingly devestating threat to Dancefloors and DJ's worldwide. It's first manifestation came when feared Eco-Terrorists James Murphy (pictured above in his laboratory) and Pat Mahoney sneakily injected the virus into their Fabric Live Compilation, which was then unwittingly distributed across the globe and wound up in laptops everywhere. Since then, various hotspots including Belgium and France have been proliferating their own mutated strands of the disease, although top scientists at the WEHA belive that Italians do it better. Alts find themselves lethargic in their dance moves, and reluctant to club as hard as they once did. Daydreaming and shoe gazing also leads to the breakdown of family relationships and loss of employment. The spread of Nouveau Disco shows no signs of abating. Doctors generally prescribe a combined treatment of bangerz and defibrilation to aid recovery, however for many Alts, this condition is terminal.

Symptoms: Lack of Enthusiasm for Clubbing, Decline in Recreational Drug Taking, Shaking Head at DJ, Improved Self Esteem, Sophistification of Wardrobe.




DJs With Bad Names or Monikeritis, is a condition that has been relatively dormant over recent years, but there are worrying signs that it could be making a stealthy resurgence. The WEHA has pinpointed Brisbane as a high risk zone for viral dissemination, naming and shaming carriers such as Brett J, L-Mac, Danny T, Baby Gee and Habebe. This deadly strain has the ability to kill any career before it gets off the ground, and also holds the potential to wipe guestlists and attendances at clubs with just a fleeting glance at a flyer. The infected shows signs of lacking inspiration and a rapidly deteriorating grasp of the English language. Monikeritis can be potentially lethal when combined with house music or excess muscle bulk. Luckily, Alts have a fairly natural immunity to said condition, however the health of the mainstream population must be monitored with vigilance.

Symptoms: Increase in Cheese Consumption, First Name + Letter, Residency @ GPO Nightclub, In Serious Cases -Facebook Confusion With Other DJ's of Same Name.

Stay healthy y'all.

Top 5 Politicians As 'Lectro Personalities

Daft Punk Howard/Costello

Whilst perhaps not donning physical metallic masks to pique the interest of their audience, the dynamic duo of Howard and Costello played solidly from behind maks of economic growth and supreme conservatism. These electronic electives had a long spanning career, churning out hits as varied as 'One More Time' (an anthem about continual re-election), 'Around The World Wars' and 'High Life', an hommage to government surplus and better days.
Their Grand Finale, 2007's 'Alive' tour, was met with critical acclaim and anger from epileptics worldwide. Over exposure terminated the techno twosome's career however, finding themselves sinking into the blogosphere as a beautiful memory, only to be usurped by less charismatic immitators, notably:

Baby Gee Kevin Rudd

Generating as much excitment as a weak bladder, this local resident and stalwart of the scene can be found watering down parties everywhere. No longer enjoying the drawcard status of his early rise to prominence, his constant mind-numbing bassline is becoming a remedy for insomniacs everywhere. Synonomous with a downturn in fortunes whether it in Canberra or Fortitude Valley, one can only hope a new experimental streak may lift him out of his self-induced coma.
Recently touring the globe with stops in America and England, perhaps inspiration from his international contemporaries will reinvigorate his setlist once more...

Nikki Sarkozy Busy P

Heralding the start of a new era in post trash France, this new wave French gent and his diverse crew of idea makers helped drag the ailing republique into the 21st Century. His strong opinions on law and order have brought some degree of certainity to the country and the global electro economy - some would even go as far as saying that Pedro Sarko's socialist tone is in danger of ruining the free market.
There is still some shelf life remaining however. This savvy tactician has recently made noises in the American scene, in particular negotiating a collaboration involving one of his label's signings and a major US artist;

Barack Obama Kanye West

Genre defying, history denying and public buying - this one has it all. Perhaps his greatest achievment to date is unifying the bickering banana republics of hip hop and electro into the alliance that we now see dominating the charts and blasting from an ipod near you.
Rising to prominence by making his own waves, and perhaps making the most of a depressed economy and lack of viable competition, America's premier negro can certainly talk the talk, however it is nowdays that his walk seems to becoming more of a prance. The public's trust remains strong, however it is the decisions made in the coming months that could make or break his reputation.
Hit albums include 'The Kenyan Dropout', 'Late Registration' and 'Stimulation', however it is his latest offering '808 Bonuses & A Bailout' that is courting the most controversy.
Over exposure is again becoming an issue as he searches for ways to stimulate his fan base, and one fears that if he doesnt tone it down, the nation could end up with even more in common with its worst enemies...

The Bloody Beetroots Kim Jong-Ill

As the worlds number one purveyor of anarchic, dance floor and democracy demolishing electro bangers, this collaboration's arsenal of nuclear warheads and warped synthesisers is a disaster waiting to happen. Threatening global stability by virtue of their destructive remixing, they are beginning to draw the ire of other global powers. Labelled by world leaders as part of the 'axis of evil', ear doctors and military strategists alike are relishing their downfall.
Whilst both being incredibly secretive and reluctant to reveal themselves to their adoring public, one can't help but feel that there is a severe lack of depth behind those expressions. The attempt to rectify this was made with claims of 'Miscommunication', however it seems as though it is only a matter a of time before they are swept aside as part of a new world order.