Should we be worried? Probably. However, the attention that the Swine Flu outbreak has garnered in recent days has lead me to contemplate the fragility of the human condition when under siege from such relentless external forces. Unbenkown to many, our human condition is slowly being eroded by myriad pandemics, some even more serious than Swine Flu, or Influenza A H1N1. Pay close attention, this post may just save your life...
Shutter Shades, or the Sx2 Virus is believed to have infiltrated the human race sometime between mid to late 2007. It's origins are hazy, although it is rumoured to have originated in Chicago, where prominent physician Dr. K. West spliced his zany mutated Fashion gene with the elusive Electro Gene that can only be found deep in the jungles of France. The result was horrifying. Scores of young people fell victim to the plague and became ostracized by their friends and family. Dancefloors from Melbourne to Marrakech became scenes of mayhem, with collision after collision resulting in serious injury, and in some cases, death. Thankfully, the disease spread so far and wide that many Alts became immune to infection, and cases today seem to be more sporadic than the norm. The World Electro-Health Authority (WEHA) reccomends that one still takes precautions when in the vicinity of flea-markets or music festivals.
Symptoms: Inconsistent Vision, Constant Bumping into Things/People, Loss of Friends, Unexplained Urge to Buy Venetian Blinds.
Nouveau Disco, or FL#36 is becoming an increasingly devestating threat to Dancefloors and DJ's worldwide. It's first manifestation came when feared Eco-Terrorists James Murphy (pictured above in his laboratory) and Pat Mahoney sneakily injected the virus into their Fabric Live Compilation, which was then unwittingly distributed across the globe and wound up in laptops everywhere. Since then, various hotspots including Belgium and France have been proliferating their own mutated strands of the disease, although top scientists at the WEHA belive that Italians do it better. Alts find themselves lethargic in their dance moves, and reluctant to club as hard as they once did. Daydreaming and shoe gazing also leads to the breakdown of family relationships and loss of employment. The spread of Nouveau Disco shows no signs of abating. Doctors generally prescribe a combined treatment of bangerz and defibrilation to aid recovery, however for many Alts, this condition is terminal.
Symptoms: Lack of Enthusiasm for Clubbing, Decline in Recreational Drug Taking, Shaking Head at DJ, Improved Self Esteem, Sophistification of Wardrobe.
DJs With Bad Names or Monikeritis, is a condition that has been relatively dormant over recent years, but there are worrying signs that it could be making a stealthy resurgence. The WEHA has pinpointed Brisbane as a high risk zone for viral dissemination, naming and shaming carriers such as Brett J, L-Mac, Danny T, Baby Gee and Habebe. This deadly strain has the ability to kill any career before it gets off the ground, and also holds the potential to wipe guestlists and attendances at clubs with just a fleeting glance at a flyer. The infected shows signs of lacking inspiration and a rapidly deteriorating grasp of the English language. Monikeritis can be potentially lethal when combined with house music or excess muscle bulk. Luckily, Alts have a fairly natural immunity to said condition, however the health of the mainstream population must be monitored with vigilance.
Symptoms: Increase in Cheese Consumption, First Name + Letter, Residency @ GPO Nightclub, In Serious Cases -Facebook Confusion With Other DJ's of Same Name.
Stay healthy y'all.
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